I have so much to say I don’t even know where to start. Finally.
I’ll start by saying that I love what this blog has given me for over a year now and I love that I started this as something to do for myself and have been able to help others as well. For a year I wrote about what I knew and what was going on my my life and that’s why people have been able to relate to it because I have always been real. Now speeding up to the past few months, it hasn’t been so easy. I have been sitting working on this blog every single day and talking to my followers etc. but when I would be ready to write a new post I would get stuck, hate what I wrote, get distracted or feel like I needed to do something else because I didn’t know what to write about and for a while I didn’t really think anything of it.
I have no other way to describe the feeling when I woke up last week other than literally feeling like I was suffocating. I was so claustrophobic and at first felt like it was because I was doubting myself but it took a few days and a very honest phone call until I knew exactly why. Who I am now and what my blog has been up until now aren’t in sync anymore, I am not in the same dark or depressed place I was in when I started this. Mental health will always be something I’m passionate about and I will always say it is the most important thing, but I don’t think that that’s all Defining Yellow is going to be anymore. I woke up the day after realizing this and felt like I could breathe, the feeling of being stuck or worried or whatever it was I was feeling that was making me feel suffocated was gone. Getting in the mindset to write has lately been requiring me to sit in my room in the dark to almost re-depress myself and pull myself back in a way, in order to get a post that I think people can benefit from. Realizing that depression, anxiety, hard times, etc. is not what I want to focus my life on anymore was such overwhelming slap in the face but I think subconsciously I might have known it for a while. If the person I was back then saw the person I am now I don’t think I would even recognize me and that makes me so proud of myself. I think in order to keep my blog honest and to keep it true to who I am I need to take away the barriers of only writing about those things. Waking up and realizing that what you’ve been so sure about and so passionate about for so long might not be what you want to do forever is terrifying. I’m nervous of course, I wouldn’t say I’m scared though, I know that period of my life was very necessary for me to get to where I am and I know that whatever I decide to do next will be even better. I need to take a step back and explore new things and figure out what’s next for me for a while, and in the meantime I plan to be posting more frequently. They might be about something new I learned, routines of mine, other things I’m passionate about or just some things to think about and I hope that you’ll still find them useful. Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling but I’m so excited and so happy. If you’ve been following me for a while I hope you’ll enjoy the change and if you’re new here I hope you’ll stick around 🙂 As always,
Thanks for reading ☀️☀️☀️
P.S If you signed up for my mailing list for the first 5,000 followers, the letters have been sent out and you’ll be getting them soooon! Thank you thank you thank you so much again for all your love and support. ❤