Today is September 10th, by the time I post this it won’t be your birthday anymore, but as I sat down to write I couldn’t keep my mind from going back to you. You would have been 20 years old tomorrow, I can only imagine the man you would be becoming.
I’ll be there at your grave to visit you but I know I don’t have to go there to feel you near me. It’s weird, when it comes to dying I never know what to believe in. It’s hard for me to believe that we go somewhere else or that there’s someone that just decides when someone’s time on Earth is over. I don’t ever talk about religion because I don’t really have one, I’d like to believe there is something bigger and more powerful than us but it’s too much to wrap my head around. I think about those things and then I think about all the times that I think you’re giving me some type of sign and they’re too spot on to be a coincidence, but then why were you taken from us?
I haven’t slept through the night in over a week now, every single night I have been waking up with nightmares. I don’t know if it’s because it has been your birthday coming up or if there’s some other reason for it but almost all of my dreams have had you in them.
I used to tell myself it was my fault that you’re gone, that if I was in a different place or a different room I wouldn’t have distracted mom and dad and left you alone. I think I know it’s not my fault, I was only 3 years old, it couldn’t have been anyone’s fault but sometimes it still pops back in my head.
Have you grown? Are you still my 2 year old brother watching over me? I wonder what our lives would have been like if you were still with us, we are only a year apart so I imagine we would be close. I wonder what your friends would have been like, what sports you’d play and what you’d eventually want to do with your life. I wonder what we’d fight about and what would annoy us about each other. You never had the chance to become your own person or to form your own opinions, in my mind you will always be the most pure person I’ve ever known. I think that you would have been too good for this world, too many bad things have happened that I wouldn’t be able to protect you from and instead I think you have protected me. I promise to always try to have a good heart and do good things not only because I want to but because I think that’s the kind of person you would be. I promise to do all that I can that would make you proud to be my brother. I don’t know why it had to be this way, I think about it often and it’s just not fair. I get so mad that I have nobody to blame for taking you away from our family.
I promise to keep all the things that I did know about you very close to me. That you could watch Barney ALL day every single day, that you loved your hundreds of Hot Wheels toy cars, that you lined up your furbys in a row color coordinated and hated anytime they got messed up. There is a home video of us playing together, I don’t know why the video was taken because it’s not the most exciting video honestly, but I am SO thankful to have that and will keep it close to me for the rest of my life.
It’s past midnight now which means it’s 9/11/18, officially your birthday. I have been writing this all day and have to stop every now and then because I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time and finally doing it is making me really emotional. I remember when I was younger our family would write notes on balloons on your birthday and let them go into the sky because I really thought they were going to you. I would do anything in the world to get just one day with you. I’ll be thinking of you extra today. I think I’m going to end it here and head to the cemetery. I may never understand why you were taken from us so early, but I know you are with me somehow. I love you always, Happy birthday.