Dear Mikey,

Today is September 10th, by the time I post this it won’t be your birthday anymore, but as I sat down to write I couldn’t keep my mind from going back to you. You would have been 20 years old tomorrow, I can only imagine the man you would be becoming.

I’ll be there at your grave to visit you but I know I don’t have to go there to feel you near me. It’s weird, when it comes to dying I never know what to believe in. It’s hard for me to believe that we go somewhere else or that there’s someone that just decides when someone’s time on Earth is over. I don’t ever talk about religion because I don’t really have one, I’d like to believe there is something bigger and more powerful than us but it’s too much to wrap my head around. I think about those things and then I think about all the times that I think you’re giving me some type of sign and they’re too spot on to be a coincidence, but then why were you taken from us?
I haven’t slept through the night in over a week now, every single night I have been waking up with nightmares. I don’t know if it’s because it has been your birthday coming up or if there’s some other reason for it but almost all of my dreams have had you in them.
I used to tell myself it was my fault that you’re gone, that if I was in a different place or a different room I wouldn’t have distracted mom and dad and left you alone. I think I know it’s not my fault, I was only 3 years old, it couldn’t have been anyone’s fault but sometimes it still pops back in my head.
Have you grown? Are you still my 2 year old brother watching over me? I wonder what our lives would have been like if you were still with us, we are only a year apart so I imagine we would be close. I wonder what your friends would have been like, what sports you’d play and what you’d eventually want to do with your life. I wonder what we’d fight about and what would annoy us about each other. You never had the chance to become your own person or to form your own opinions, in my mind you will always be the most pure person I’ve ever known. I think that you would have been too good for this world, too many bad things have happened that I wouldn’t be able to protect you from and instead I think you have protected me. I promise to always try to have a good heart and do good things not only because I want to but because I think that’s the kind of person you would be. I promise to do all that I can that would make you proud to be my brother. I don’t know why it had to be this way, I think about it often and it’s just not fair. I get so mad that I have nobody to blame for taking you away from our family.
I promise to keep all the things that I did know about you very close to me. That you could watch Barney ALL day every single day, that you loved your hundreds of Hot Wheels toy cars, that you lined up your furbys in a row color coordinated and hated anytime they got messed up. There is a home video of us playing together, I don’t know why the video was taken because it’s not the most exciting video honestly, but I am SO thankful to have that and will keep it close to me for the rest of my life.
It’s past midnight now which means it’s 9/11/18, officially your birthday. I have been writing this all day and have to stop every now and then because I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time and finally doing it is making me really emotional. I remember when I was younger our family would write notes on balloons on your birthday and let them go into the sky because I really thought they were going to you. I would do anything in the world to get just one day with you. I’ll be thinking of you extra today. I think I’m going to end it here and head to the cemetery. I may never understand why you were taken from us so early, but I know you are with me somehow. I love you always, Happy birthday.

39 thoughts on “Dear Mikey,

  1. My love this was beautiful! Please know your brother IS watching over you and loves you so much from what you describe. I know your heart aches. I won’t tell you what to think, feel, or believe but I believe we do get reunited with those we love after death. I am so sorry for your loss. You are a brave, beautiful, loving woman whose heart shone right through every word written here. Hugs to you and your family ❤

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  2. This is so beautifully written. Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. I’m so sorry for your loss, but he will always be with you. And it’s amazing you can feel him around you in the simplest ways.

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  3. I hope writing this helped you. So sorry for your loss and the feelings you are dealing with surrounding it. Whatever you believe about what happens beyond life, wherever he is, your brother is proud of you. I believe that.

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  4. What a beautiful post. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my only brother 11 years ago, and it still feels like yesterday sometimes. The love is still as strong as ever, as I can tell yours is. ❤️❤️

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    1. Im so sorry you have had to deal with the same thing, if you’d like to talk about it and connect definitely send me an email, I know its hard to talk about it with people who dont understand first hand. thank you so much, im always here! ❤

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  5. We never forget the people we’ve lost. I too have tried to make sense of events. Decide what higher power might be driving or influencing what happens. Ive never found an answer but keep asking. So sorry for the loss of your brother.

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  6. God bless you and your brother. That this pain has recurred throughout your own life is understandable, though remember that you yourself were just a toddler way back then.

    You say “I don’t ever talk about religion because I don’t really have one, I’d like to believe there is something bigger and more powerful than us but it’s too much to wrap my head around.”
    That you exist, that you still feel connection with Mikey (who is clearly still with you and all who knew him in his brief time here), that you communicate your thoughts and feelings with the world and those closer to you, that .you anything that we anything, all illustrates that God really does exist.

    Understanding comes from Faith, not vice-versa. Take comfort knowing that Mikey truly is blessed where he is now.

    I do feel your loss and fully understand your pain. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did or didn’t do or might have done; for it’s surely a given that Mikey has already forgiven all.

    Again, bless you and your brother. Mikey wants you to be whole and happy. X

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  7. First thing I would like to say is that I really feel bad about what you’ve gone through in such an early age of your life. I can feel you because even I lost someone who was pretty close to me when I was 6. Second thing which I want to say is that your blog always inspires me. Every post ive gone through has always taught me something. This post was indeed very emotional and It is none of your fault because you were too small so don’t blame yourself. 🙂

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