A letter to my younger self.
I was going to start this whole blogging thing out slow because opening myself up too much terrifies me, but here we go.
Before I start I want to add that this is very personal and hard for me to talk/write about with most people, so keep that in mind as you read.
You’re young and you already know that you don’t have a childhood like most. By the time you’re in elementary school you’ll have lost your baby brother to drowning in your backyard, seen your parents lay hands on each other, you’ll have been around drugs, and you’ve already moved and been to more schools than can fit on one hand. You know you’ll never have those friends that you can say you’ve known since kindergarten. You’re blaming mom and dad because they can’t keep you in one place longer than a year for the life of them. Please don’t get comfortable with this feeling, life won’t always be this fickle.
In fifth grade when life gets really tough at home, remember it is not your fault. There was no way to expect that. In sixth grade things will get a little bit better. You’ll meet some people that you will be close to forever, hold on to them. Just because you have been torn from so many people in the past does not mean that you should shut yourself out from new people. I promise these ones are worth it. Mom and dad will move from here too though. They’ll say they have to tear you from this school too to wherever you’re moving next, but you’re doing so well in school so they do the extra work to keep you there. Keep doing that. You’ll put more pressure on yourself to do well in school while driving from new places all the time, this will probably be the hardest time of all. But you’ll be okay, I promise you’ll get past this too.
Forgive mom and dad though, they have made mistakes and they will make more, but they love you, they really do. They have their own problems to work out, but they will always put you and your brother first. Always remember this.
High school will be a rough time, everyone will seem to be having such a perfect life and living the expected high school experience while you’re dealing with the same problems at home that take place of it. Mom and dad will move pretty far away with your great grandparents, and the only way for you to stay at this school is to live with your best friend for a year, make sure you let her know you appreciate her. You guys will realize that spending so much time together is not great for your friendship. Shes doing this because she loves you and you’re best friends, not because she wants to. Remember this.
You’ll fall in what may or may not be love with a guy, and after some time he’ll break your heart. This will be a feeling extremely unfamiliar at the time. When you’re sad and don’t want to eat or leave bed, try to. Let your friends be there for you. When you look back on this you’ll know that it was his loss and you should have spent that summer with friends instead of in tears.
You’ll get a job and do really well there for some years, you’ll finally feel like you have some real responsibilities and you’ll grow as a person. You’ll meet some pretty awesome people there too. After some time you’ll get tired of it but you’ll be too comfortable to leave. The same thing happens when you get into your next relationship, you’ll have fun for a while but Kourtney please pay attention to the red flags. He’ll lead you to break your own heart. Don’t let being comfortable be your excuse for letting him hurt you because you deserve so much more than you’ll think you do. This is the last time you’ll let someone take advantage of your heart.
You’ll move away from your parents to be closer to school and work. You realize how much your family has always depended on you. You’ve always been the peacekeeper of the family, as your great grandmother will tell you. Use that to your advantage, but don’t let it take a toll on you. It’ll help you and them in the long run.
You’ll become close with someone that will change how you look at things, they’ll make you realize that you’re better than you thought you were and they’ll be very important to you. Please keep this person close to you, you’ll need them in your life forever.
Lastly, I’m telling you this because I know for certain, you’re meant to help people and you’re meant to do it in a big way. You’ll figure it out, I can’t tell you how because i’m not sure yet. Maybe that’s why you started this blog, but I know you’ll do it.
Your 20 year old self.